Dear emojis,
It's time to air my beef with you little tyrants, if only I could figure out how.
My disdain for you is mostly evidenced when I text chains of nonsensical emojis to my daughter. Although that’s a completely honest usage, my intention is far removed from the spirit of your existence. The point is to say: Look at this chain of ridiculous little images.
At this point in the proceedings, I would normally interject a chain of nonsensical emojis to illustrate what I mean by “chain of nonsensical emojis.” While that task may be possible for the general population, it is apparently not possible for me.
That said, you rotten little bastards (RLBs), no one—and I mean no one—wants to know how long it took me to embed the following.
That right there came from this site and is fittingly called “microbe.” It seems my emoji-embedding skill set is, well, limited (at least on this platform), to what you see right there. If it’s possible to insert a chain of you RLBs at the end of a sentence, or in any manner other than one at a time in the middle of the page here on Substack, I have no idea how to do it. And really, who cares?
Jesus Christ, Erin, YOU CARE. How effing embarrassing, you dolt!
You RLBs really are rotten little bastards.
Yeah, yeah.
I would take that guy over your miserable “microbe” any day of the week, and my vast photo library doesn’t end there. I was so far ahead of the eggplant-as-phallus controversy, someone should note it in a wiki page.
As usual, I need to come clean about something.
I’m not proud of it, but I use you RLBs, mostly on Facebook by way of that row of like/love/care/laugh/wow/sad/angry buttons. (And if you thought I had a hard time embedding your “microbe” above, you should have seen my failed attempt at getting a screen shot of those little buggers.) They come in handy as an easy way to react to a comment. And therein lies the problem. You’re a cheat, particularly for someone like me.
Instead of properly responding with actual words, I click the infuriating emoji button, as if it aptly delivers the message that I care or I’m sad. It does nothing of the sort, but here in the After Times, sometimes it’s the best I can muster.
Frankly, that cannot bode well.
Sometimes I think of you as a (mostly) polite 21st century version of swearing, which brought these musings to mind:
When a writer like me lets the eff bombs fly, it indicates that acute stress has become constant. It means I’ve lost command of the language I so lovingly nurture, at least temporarily. It means the evil forces of the world have gurgled up from the depths of hell and have me so goddamn distracted that the mechanisms that make me clever and thoughtful and original are, at best, deeply buried beneath the weight of it all and, at worst, completely AWOL.
—Self, Aug. 18, 2023
You, however, don’t represent a loss of control. You RLBs are the embodiment of laziness—or worse. I’m talking about those instances when some miserable troll weaponizes you.
Now, now, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. At the time of this writing, there were 300-and-counting laughing face emojis on this post from the World Health Organization about the contagious nature of measles. Obviously, there is nothing funny about measles, but in the wrong hands, the laughing face says I don’t believe you or what you say. In the wrong hands, the laughing emoji imparts it’s message in the most flippant and dehumanizing way.
Essentially, it’s a very specific insult* delivered by the click of a mouse, and it is one of the aspects of social media I vehemently detest.
*I almost used “diss” right there, but that would represent a colossal failure in my world, one worse than using you (which I am apparently not capable of doing here anyway). And no, you RLBs, saying I almost used “diss” is not the same as actually using “diss.” Well … maybe it is.
You know what we need? An emoji that encapsulates this emotion: I’m completely exhausted by humankind’s cruelty. Maybe you can get your creator to work something out?
On second thought, never mind.
Life’s not easy these days, so I can’t really blame anyone for using you emojis. I just sort of miss more thoughtful times. And I vow to think before I superficially “like” the next post and instead Use My Words, sort of like I’m doing right now.
Lastly, in a win for all of you RLBs, I will continue to nod to your predecessors when something moves me to a toothy grin, or makes my heart grow three sizes too big—by typing out this.
: )
Love, Erin
ps: I have to admit I was duly impressed when I read Jennifer Coolidge—whom I consider to be a veritable goddess among us—played a part in your movie.
pps: Goddamit already, it’s true. Whenever someone replies to something I’ve posted with the little hearts-for-eyes emoji, I melt a little inside.
ppps: Since I am clearly incapable of embedding emojis herein, I can at least show you RLBs up with a few more silly images that prove you ain’t “all that.”
no parking
It feels inappropriate to “like” this one. 🧩