Dear Santa,

I don't envy you this year.

Since today marks the formal launch of the shopping season, I’m here to help you out with some recommendations .

Detail, Murad Christmas, The Occurrence.

But Santa? There ain’t no way am I casting naughty and nice labels all over creation.

Where do the likes of Stormy Daniels fall? Or what the ever-lovin' hell do you get for Hunter Biden? And if we’re being completely honest Santa, considering how much you’re enjoying that cig, you’re not exactly the poster boy for the Nice List.

Naughy or nice?

Nope. These suggestions are for the other people, the ones you can't peg as either naughty or nice. Depending on your point of view, each one is a premium item worth every penny—or not worth one red cent. Yeah, I know that’s weird. It’s also true and I promise I can personally vouch for every entry on this list. This stuff is what I say it is.

For starters, Tell City Pretzels (TCP) makes the best hard pretzels I have ever eaten. They are crunchy and salty and so good I cannot stop shoveling them into my pie hole. That said, I always consume my TCPs with a modicum of trepidation, a tiny mental fly in the ointment if you will, Santa.

Because whenever I tear into a TCP with gleeful abandon, an annoying little voice chimes in and tempers my enthusiasm: Self, you’re about to find out if you’ve got any cracked teeth in your miserable head.

In case you’re wondering, no Santa, I haven’t discovered a cracked tooth by way of a TCP, at least not yet.

Unrelated image of terrifying anthropomorphic corn, pretzel and potato; Crawford Preservation and Storage Facility, May 6, 2023.

Behold ad copy for our next entry, which certainly strikes me as both naughty and nice: “When your lips close around a bite of this strong, salty licorice, the potent Nordic taste explodes on your tongue, bringing up associations of the sea, tar, bonfire smoke and the scent of resin.”

OH HELL YES

The standard salty licorice from Lakrids by Bülow is high falutin' to be sure, but since it's salted licorice, it essentially amounts to the cilantro of the candy world. You either really love it or you really don't. Even some black licorice fans will turn their nose up at salted varieties. I think the stuff is pure heaven, but for the more regular peeps on your list, feel free to play it safe and go for Lakrids’ upscale non-salted offerings like the classic caramel or chocolate coated.

There is also a poor man’s version of salted licorice I love to a fault. Sometimes you can find Katjes Salzige Heringe in the wild or you can buy it online.

Katjes Salzige Heringe shown with Sugarfina’s Peach Bellini gummies (included to elevate panache of image), and empty Lakrids by Bülow container.

Lastly Santa, I use a very unique toothpaste.

It doesn’t foam up at all, probably because the first item on the ingredient list is bentonite clay. The mint component is so sharp, this toothpaste is hot. So yeah, you're looking at seriously fresh breath, but at what cost? A mouthful of stinging clay, that’s what.

This stocking stuffer ain’t for everyone, but for those who will love it, they will love it.

I first heard of Uncle Harry’s toothpaste back in 2016. It came up in a Facebook thread in which I complained about trying to get the last application out of those maddening tubes the regular stuff comes in. The topic garnered nearly 50 comments, including one about Uncle Harry’s products from my friend Marcie.

“I started using Uncle Harry's, and after a lifetime of not going to the dentist (let's say over 5 years, maybe more), I went in for a cleaning,” she said back in 2016. “The dentist was astounded at how great my teeth were. I had almost no tartar build up. They were amazed … I should work for this company because I tell everyone about them!”

Who could resist a testimonial like that? Not me. Neither could my friend Katherine.

“I'm excited,” she said. “Uncle Harry, here I come!”

The funny thing about social media, Santa, is the way it preserves things like the inane conversations that unfurled in that thread. We even got around to discussing Formica.

“Oh Formica!” said Katherine. “I can still picture a nightstand in my mother's room from when I was a very small girl. Very young. It had those hip '50s/'60s triangular shapes in different colors. At least that's my memory. I also remember a counter … with gold sparkles. They looked like ants.”

---

We have arrived, Santa, at a point in this letter that will not be denied.

Katherine died in November 2018. Marcie left us in August 2020. Both women were about my age. Both shone like diamonds in sunlight. Both taught me lessons in unconditional generosity.

There is of course much more to say about these two beautiful people, Santa, but on this Black Friday I’ll let a couple of photos provide the memories.

Katherine Glatter, upper left, helps our daughters on the choo-choo train, Memphis Kiddie Park, Cleveland, circa 2001.

With Marcie Bullard at Book Soup, Los Angeles, July 2009.

So I’ve found some old friends I thought I’d never see again. That’s the real gift, Santa, the one I didn’t expect. You’ll know when it happens because you’ll be smiling even though tears sting your eyes.

Naughty & nice? Hardly. More like bitter & sweet, and that’s fine by me.

Love, Erin

ps: Now let me give you some valuable advice, Santa. Take more pictures than you think you need so you’ll have more than one to select from when the time comes, because the time, my jolly friend, will most definitely come.